EMPATHY WINS

                            

Many years ago, toward the end of my career in the Navy, I volunteered for a very difficult tour of duty as an enlisted recruiter; a horrendously frustrating job that tried my patience and professionalism to their extreme limits. The training given to us in preparation for this assignment was nothing more than the standard sales training that one might be expect to receive at a corporate sales training seminar. They refer to it as the "Needs/Satisfaction" model of sales, which encourages the recruiter to attempt to find out what the real motivation for wanting to join or not join the military was, by using empathy to ascertain what the, 'felt need' of the person is, and then trying to satisfy that need with the options that their branch of service offers. 

This concept was also examined in Steven Covey's book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, who said, “Satisfied needs do not motivate. It's only the unsatisfied need that motivates. Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is a psychological survival - to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. (7)” Covey’s point was that, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They're either speaking or preparing to speak. They're filtering everything through their own paradigms..." (5). 

Sound familiar? Well of course it does, we all do this to one degree or another when talking to other people. As they are speaking, we are thinking of a clever response, of an example or statement that is superior to the ones they have made, without even being aware of it often. Humans do this because for the most part, they are much more concerned with their own thoughts, emotions, feelings, needs, wants, etc., than they are of the people they are speaking with. 

For a carnally-minded, self-centered, average citizen of this world, this kind of behavior is to be expected, and even condoned in some respects; but for the Spirit-led child of God, it is the kind of unfruitful behavior that demands confession and repentance. Because, in order to get beyond what people are saying on a surface level, to understand what they are actually feeling and needing, both spiritually and physically, as mature Christians, we must begin to listen with empathetic ears, which can only be achieved if we crucify our flesh, which seeks always to have the preeminence in every situation. 

Empathy for the precious souls that we interact with in the name of Christ, is a crucial aspect to ministering to their needs. Sociologists use a German word to define this concept called, “Verstehen”; which means, "To have insight into someone’s situation, to understand or grasp by insight" (Henslin 13). They understand this as an encouragement to get out into the field and really empathize with what people are going through by going through it with them. This definition is also helpful: "Empathy means a deep understanding of the problems and realities of the people... It is important to… “walk in their shoes’’, “…think from their perspective… doing everything you can to feel and understand what they are experiencing. (IDEO 102)” Paul would say, "...to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. (NKJV, 1 Cor 9:22 )"

Typically, this cannot be done from the comfort of your own home or the relative safety of the church pew however, and this is a tremendous challenge in the realms of every area of effective ministry. If a pastor, minister or average Christian doesn't understand the concept of, "Seeking first to understand, diagnosing before you prescribe" (Covey 8), they simply will not be effective in that ministry, whatever it may be. So often as Christians, we just want to throw Bible verses at people, pray for them, and be on our way, just when they are beginning to open up about something going on in their life. 

Usually people just want someone to listen, understand, and show some compassion about what they're going through, not try to solve it or fix them. "Often when people are really given the chance to open up, they unravel their own problems and the solutions become clear to them in the process. At other times, they really need additional perspective and help. The key is to genuinely seek the welfare of the individual, to listen with empathy, to let the person get to the problem and the solution at his own pace and time (Covey 17). I have found this to be true, and it is good advice that aligns well with biblical principles. 

Consider the Apostle Paul’s exhortation, “We then who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, leading to edification. For even Christ did not please Himself… (Romans 15:1-3)” Always, the Scriptural standard demands that we deny ourselves for the sake of others, which James refers to as the, “..royal law… ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF’ (James 2:8)”, and if you do this, he confirms that, “…you will do well.”

By Pastor Glen Mustian

Works Cited:

Covey, Steven. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Free Press, 1989. 

Henslin, James. Essentials of Sociology. Pearson, 1993.

IDEO. https://www.ideo.org/

NKJV Bible, Thomas Nelson, Nashville TN.